Fox News television host Glenn Beck married himself Sunday evening on the precipice of a small hill overlooking the Mexican border. “I’ve never seen him happier,” said Kenneth Duncan, a longtime friend. “All these years looking for true love and it turns out he was standing right there the whole time.”

The border wedding was an extravagant affair attended by a number of prominent conservatives, as well as Fox News executives, Birthers, Klansmen, Moonies, anarchists, Neo-Nazis, fascists, Swift Boaters, Scientologists, Moonie Boaters, a goat named Paul and the close friends and family of both Mr. Beck and himself. Guests were served champagne glasses filled with the blood of socialists and rump steaks shaped like shotguns, which were served on what the wedding planner said were copies of President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. The revelers were treated to flaming ‘End of the World crème brulees’ which, after the first bite, exploded into angry balls of apocalyptic hellfire.

Mr. Beck wore a tuxedo made from the fur of Glenn Glenn, his beloved pet llama, whom he’d recently killed to spare her the pain of living in President Obama’s ‘hip-hop communist nanny state.’ The ceremony was presided over by the ghost of Joe McCarthy, who chewed on the thumb of a dead film director while reading fiery damnation prayers from a black list.  Some guests teared up as they watched Mr. Beck exchange vows with himself, place wedding bands on each of his ring fingers and then make it official by stomping on a glass made to resemble President Obama's head.  

The celebration kicked off when guests were handed ‘Patriot Rifles’ and told to look one hundred meters to the south, where they found Congressman Tom Tancredo standing guard before a cage full of Mexicans. When the Minutemen groomsmen gave him the signal, Congressman Tancredo unlocked the cage and ordered the prisoners to sprint full-speed towards “the greatest country in the history of the world!” The guests mounted their rifles, jockeyed for position and started firing. Only one of the Mexicans had been killed when Pat Buchanan climbed up on his chair, hoisted a rocket launcher to his shoulder and fired a predator missile that connected with furious precision and wiped out the entire group.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin emerged from a nearby mobile home, pulled a “USA Rules!” medal from her overalls and presented it to Mr. Buchanan, who held it aloft and shouted, “I’m the king of the world!” while Sean Hannity turned to his wife and said, “He cheated.”

At the reception, an elated Mr. Beck recalled when he first started dating himself. “I can remember the exact moment I fell in love with Glenn,” he said, while rocking gently back and forth with his arms around himself. “Roger Ailes came into my office, pulled the white sheet off my head and said that I’d just gone over 2 million viewers. I took the pacifier out of my mouth, leaned back and looked up at my ceiling mirror just as I’d done a thousand times before. But at that moment it just hit me; there he is, I thought, the love of my life.” 

This is the third marriage for both Mr. Beck and himself. Mr. Beck and himself have four children from previous relationships.