Vice President Joseph R. Biden was admitted to Bethesda Naval Hospital early Tuesday morning after an aide found the vice president lying on the floor of his office with his head inside his rectum. “The aide bent down and asked him if he was okay,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The vice president shouted something back but the response was so muffled the aide could not understand him.” Mr. Biden lay on his office floor for nearly twenty minutes while his secret service agents debated how best to transport him to his waiting motorcade. After Mr. Biden’s personal physician arrived on the scene, it was decided that the vice president should be rolled to his car like a ball, so as not to damage either his head or rectal cavity.

Two other sources confirmed that Vice President Biden was diagnosed with Cranial Rectal Disease, which is characterized by abnormal closeness of the cranium and rectum; or, in rare cases, complete submersion of the head into the rectum. Mr. Biden underwent a Cranial Rectal Measurement Test, which revealed that he has Stage 4 CRD, meaning that his head is lodged so deep in his rectum that it is no longer visible.

“It is very rare that an individual reaches Stage 4,” said Bernard Kaplan, Chief of Cranial Proctology at Cedars Sinai Medical Center, “Even in the early stages, the warning signs are there. If an individual starts to display any of the classic symptoms of CRD – thoughtlessness, excessive verbosity, repeatedly making offensive remarks – he or she should immediately seek a Cranial Proctologist for testing. I’m frankly very surprised the White House staff let this go untreated for so long.”

President Obama sought to reassure the public when he was asked about the situation this morning at a Rose Garden press conference that was intended to focus on healthcare. “The doctors are working hard to remove the vice-president’s head from his rectum,” said the president.  “It’s important to remember that only the vice-president's head is inside the rectum, not his arms or hands, so he can still sign official documents and communicate by sign language, which he is learning quickly.”

But privately, administration aides had in recent months become increasingly concerned about the vice president, noting a string of thoughtless remarks suggestive of severe CRD. “Rahm and the president began to speculate that Joe had experienced a relapse,” said a high level White House aide, “Rahm broached the matter with the vice president on at least one occasion, but Joe just gave him a hard butt spank and said ‘don’t worry about it you little Jew’ before turning and walking away.”

It has long been rumored that the vice president was initially diagnosed with CRD when he was running for president in 1988, shortly after he told a New Hampshire voter, “I have a much higher IQ than you do.” But during the vice presidential vetting process Mr. Biden assured Mr. Obama and his aides that his Cranial Rectal Disease was a non-issue. Mr. Biden even submitted himself to a Cranial Rectal Measurement Test, which was administered by a DNC Cranial Proctologist and did not reveal any abnormalities. 

Cranial Rectal Disease used to be relatively rare in the United States, but there has been a dramatic increase in the number of cases over the last 30 years. Some people who suffer from the disease are able to go on to lead productive, even successful lives. Popular Fox News personalities Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity, for example, are lifelong sufferers. The most famous Cranial Rectal Disease survivor is George W. Bush, who, despite being diagnosed as a child and refusing treatment throughout his life, was twice elected President of the United States.