Blinged Out Palson Family Raises Questions
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and his family have drawn considerable negative attention recently for making a
number of conspicuous purchases, all of which were made after Congress approved its "no strings attached," 700 billion
dollar bailout of Wall Street last month.
Mr. Paulson first raised eyebrows in his
Georgetown neighborhood when, two days after the bailout was approved, he was seen walking down M Street with his three French
poodles, all of whom were wearing gold plated collars with tags that said 'Look What The Taxpayers Bought Me.' Erik Baiers,
an attorney who lives two doors down from the Paulsons, confronted the secretary and demanded to know if his tax money had
been used to purchase the dog collars. According to Mr. Baiers, the secretary clutched his genitals, dismissed Mr. Baiers
with an expletive and then cleaned up after his dogs with a diamond studded pooper scooper.
Toby Paulson, the secretary's 17 year-old son, is now chauffeured back and forth to the Sidwell Friends School in
a white Hummer limousine with a license plate that reads "SUCKERS." Classmates say the secretary's son alternates
between wearing a mahogany mink shawl and a snakeskin jacket adorned with sapphires and talking P-Diddy figurines. Tom Breen,
Mr. Paulson's trigonometry teacher, says that on two occasions the secretary's son has shown up to class wearing a fish tank
necklace filled with hundred dollar bills and Beluga caviar. "Toby used to be a very low-profile kid," said Mr.
Breen. "But ever since the bailout he's been dressing like some kind of rapper, talking about champagne and calling everybody
'bitch.'"
According to sources at Morton & Hannay, a Manhattan based architectural
concern, the secretary's wife, Gloria Paulson, has asked the boutique firm to design a 100-story tower of apartments to be
erected in the shape of an enormous middle finger. The roof would include a $ shaped swimming pool, velvet green cabanas and
a fountain sculpture of Mr. Paulson roundhouse kicking a Teamster . The unprecedented project would cost an estimated 5 billion
dollars and, according to sources, would be known as "The Fuck You Tower." Sources also say that Mrs. Paulson and
her husband will use bailout money to purchase the Statue of Liberty, tear it down and then build the "The Fuck You Tower"
in its place. When a reporter from Open Salon reached Gloria Paulson by phone and inquired about the 5 billion dollar project,
she laughed, took a long drag of her cigarette and then asked, "How would you like a Fuck You Tower shoved straight up
your ass?"
In addition to working on "The Fuck You Tower," Mrs. Paulson
has been planning her husband's 66th birthday
party. According to sources within the Treasury Department, Mrs. Paulson has already arranged to rent the trading floor of
the New York Stock Exchange. The guest list, which is made up entirely of Wall Street C.E.O's, includes Lloyd Blankfein of
Goldman Sachs, Ken Lewis of Bank of America and Vikram Pandit of Citigroup (it has not yet been decided if the heads of Ford,
Chrysler and General Motors will be invited). In addition to performances by Jay-Z, David Copperfield and Billy Squier, every
guest will be provided with a "Main Street" mannequin, each one resembling an average, working-class American. The
mannequin will be bent over with its hands wrapped around its ankles and each guest will be given free rein to do with it
what he wants.
