Dick Cheney Is Dead
Dick Cheney, who dominated the world
of reality television for over two decades and became one of America’s most beloved celebrities, died on Sunday at his
home in Rancho Mirage, CA. He was 88.
A showman to the end, the King of Reality’s death was broadcast live and carried by fourteen cable
and broadcast networks. Overnight ratings estimate that 327 million Americans, nearly 80 percent of the country’s population,
watched Mr. Cheney expire. The cause of death was heart disease. The death certificate was signed by the star’s personal
physician, Dr. Mehmet Oz, and has been posted on Mr. Cheney’s My Space page. Copies are being made available to the
public for $19.99.
In honor of the King of Reality, Ryan Seacrest, the nation’s Reality Laureate, said that on Sunday evening
he would not appear on television for five consecutive minutes. President Gosselin has directed the nation’s televisions
to be turned off for one minute Sunday at midnight and released a statement (sponsored by Baja Fresh) praising Mr. Cheney’s
accomplishments. “A piece of America has died along with Dick, but we are comforted by the fact that his work lives
forever.”
A
poll of esteemed reality show historians recently ranked Mr. Cheney as the 4th most influential reality star
in American history, behind Bob Guinea (The Bachelor), Puck (The Real World) and Omarosa (The Apprentice).
Mr. Cheney broke into reality television relatively late in life, at the age of 65, and became an immediate
sensation. He first appeared on Dancing with the Stars, an earlier incarnation of Shagging with the Stars, and tap-danced
his way into America’s heart. The King of Reality later became a judge on American Idol and was the mastermind behind
its two highly successful spin-offs: American Serial Killer and American Retard. Mr. Cheney rocketed to superstar status after
appearing on the cover of Vanity Fair, naked and lying on a sedated polar bear. The image has become the second most recognized
photograph in American history, second only to the iconic image of Paula Abdul defecating on a charred American flag.
Mr. Cheney’s
survivors include two daughters from his first marriage: Elizabeth and Mary both of McLean, Virginia; his wife, Amy Winehouse
Cheney and one son, Chad.
Mr. Cheney also served as vice president of
the United States from 2001 – 2009. He was an advocate of torture, warrantless wire-tapping and the poorly executed
Iraq War. He was also a vigorous critic of the Geneva Conventions and climate change initiatives and, as a congressman, voted
against making Martin Luther King’s birthday a national holiday.
