Thieving is not tolerated here.
Everything you see here – those little sticky note deals, the staples over there, this satin supervisor’s jacket
I’m wearing – it all belongs to The Company. All of it. Middle fingers are not tolerated either. Some guys like
to flash a lot of middle fingers throughout the day. Stand up in their cube and say ‘ha, ha, look at this middle finger.’
That kind of thing. Well, there is nothing funny about middle fingers. It’s just a middle finger, not something funny,
like a whoopee cushion. Got it, people. And we certainly don’t condone goosing. Absolutely no goosing your colleagues.
Do you hear me? We had a wise guy here a couple years back that used to give the lady workers a little pinch in the behind.
Well, I don’t like it and most of the lady workers don’t either. So no goosing. It’s a distraction. Also,
anytime you see those chocolate things in the commissary fridge, leave them alone. They are mine. I eat them twice daily,
sometimes more. If I find that anyone has eaten my chocolate things from the commissary fridge I will fire that person and
deduct the cost of the stolen chocolate things from that person’s last paycheck. I’ve done it before. I’ll
do it again. That’s how I roll.
We don’t tolerate any betting pools, any gambling at all, got it? We had a guy a while
back who put together a little betting pool about who at the The Company was going to die next. Then Frank Gaffney fell into
a sandpit, couldn’t breathe and so he died. Let me tell you, it was pretty ugly seeing all the money being passed around
the day we heard Frank died in that sandpit. One woman in tech support won some big money so she went out to one of those
fancy pants salons and got her hair done. Came back to work with her hair all dolled up on account of Frank being dead. That’s
not right and it’s a distraction.
No fucking here at work. None. No exceptions. People used to fuck the lights out in this place
but it got way the fuck out of hand. Got to a point where people were doing more fucking than working. Fucking in their cubes,
over in the stairwell, even right here on the conference room table. As a supervisor, I have found that if you don’t
place limits on fucking you will get fucked. Hell, the people in compliance turned their department into one long sick summer
orgy. A big fuckfest. So anyway, we do not fuck here at The Company. My experience is that fucking at work a big time waster.
You want to fuck, go home and fuck. Fuck on your own time.
Another thing; no killing. We do not tolerate murder here at The Company. Never
have, never will. Some people say ‘hey, this guy’s an asshole, nobody likes him, take him the fuck out.’
Well, maybe that kind of thing happens in other workplaces, other companies, but not here. Look, I get it. I do. When I was
at Office Efficiency I stabbed and killed an underperformer and the company was better off for it. It really was. Guy wasn’t
pulling his weight so people thanked me, gave me cookies and a standing ovation at the company retreat. But we don’t
do that here. We don’t kill people here at The Company if they’re not team players. Frankly, it exposes
us to litigation. Alright, that’s it. Welcome the fuck aboard. Get your timecards from Joanie, punch in and get to fucking
work.
